Warning: Abstract ramblings ahead...

I decided I wanted to write something in here, but for some reason I really lacked inspiration. Then I asked, "Why?" (something I do constantly) and suddenly had all these thoughts that resulted in the long post you see before you. Here it goes.

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External energy can organize my line of thought. When I'm just talking/writing to myself, it's sometimes hard to put things into words because I usually think in concepts/ideas, and I need somewhere (or someone) to direct the ideas toward to most easily translate them into English. On an only faintly related note, I'm never very funny alone without deliberate effort. So, I suppose really am extroverted since I gain so much energy from the people/activities around me.

I really do write better when I'm talking to a specific person. My personality is very... fluid that way. I feel very sensitive to the energy a given person gives off, and I let it shape the way I think/communicate with them. It lets me more easily direct my thoughts into words. With some people, I am very thoughtful and verbose, even philosophical at appropriate moments. With others, I'm not that way at all, because I feel they wouldn't appreciate it. I resort to talking about movies and events and people--whatever that person is comfortable discussing. With some people, I constantly ask questions and want to only listen to that person talking. (That mostly happens with young people.) With others, I talk their ear off about anything that comes to my mind, intelligent or not. (My poor sister.)

Also, my level and style of humor is determined by the person/people I'm with. With most people, my humor comes very naturally. It comes most easily around young people/teenagers. But with other people, I don't make any jokes at all, but let them do the joking because I see that they're the sort of person who enjoys that role/spotlight. So some people think that I laugh at everything, whereas other people see me as very dry and sarcastic (but still mostly positive). Both are true and genuine sides of me. Neither are forced. It just depends. Is that wrong? Should I be the same wherever I am, whoever I'm with? My values don't change. That matters. But is that really all that counts? I hope so.

This habit of mine actually helps me get along with and relate to many different kinds of people, for which I'm grateful. Many of my friends would not get along with each other. But I do worry that sometimes I seem inconsistent to other people; no one has ever mentioned that to me, but sometimes I wonder if they think it. (Well, actually my dad once commented that I appear to be a completely different person while I'm on stage. I would agree with that. The stage combined with an audience can carry intense energy that I find difficult not to be affected by :].) I do consider myself to be quite genuine and honest, and have trouble with the idea that I may act this way out of a need for approval. I'm not sure if that is so. Do I do this out of a fear of conflict? I know I'm not much of a people pleaser... otherwise there are many choices I would be making differently.
But I do strongly feel that I act this way out of empathy, and a desire for that person to feel comfortable talking with me. Not in a selfish way, usually and surprisingly... it's really a genuine "I want you to be comfortable/feel good" thing. I guess I pull out the personality traits I have that the person would benefit most by experiencing, as far as I can judge.

I do strive for and thrive on feelings of harmony. Maybe that is a part of it, even a large part of it. It might be a bad thing if I felt compromised, but I don't feel that I'm sacrificing anything at all when I allow people to pull out different sides of me. So I don't think it's a bad thing.

And I must again stress that all these different sides of me are genuine. I don't really put on characters, although I do often direct my thoughts/actions away from their natural courses in effort to improve myself. But I just vary. I vary. My behavior, then, I suppose, is largely situational. My current mindset is always at least influenced by the environment. Not to always match the environment, luckily, but it always has some sort of relationship with it.

I have so many "sides," sometimes in groups I feel conflicted, if the group contains a lot of diverse personalities. In that case, I usually end up picking one person to focus on in a group, now that I think about it, and I direct my conversation topics/word choices/humor according to that person and let the rest run the risk of silently suffering friction with me.

Also, when I'm around people I don't know, if I feel insecure, it's solely based on the fact that I don't know the person/their energy, and don't know how to shape the way I interact with that person. Hmm.

I still need to figure out some common traits that work for everyone. Things that everyone would respond well to. Maybe, making people feel important/special? Treating everyone like they're your good friend? Listening? But even then, I can think of people I know who would be uncomfortable with this.

Is all of this one giant bad habit? Or is it a talent?

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Anyway, I'm sorry to jip you off, blog, but I won't update you about my actual life. Instead, I'm going to go do that as I write my good missionary friend, whose farewell I missed, and whose homecoming will be while I am in Utah. Strange how these things work out.