In case you wanted to know this...

Mission papers are only kind of fun, not thoroughly delightful as I somehow thought they would be. Last night I spent about two hours in the Medical History section recounting every scrape of the knee I've had since I was born. Any time anything was wrong with any part of my body. Although it took quite a while, now I can look at it all in front of me for the first time, and I realize that I've survived 20.5 years pretty successfully.

And then there's physical after physical to come, and also a dentist appointment, and right now I basically have no relationship to anyone in the medical community out in Provo like I do at home in Tennessee. So there's that search, and once I find a doctor, he/she had better like me because I'll be there pretty often over the next couple of weeks...


And also, hopefully I have an okay experience with the needles related to vaccinations. I feel like I'm a good patient; I cooperate well and submit myself to basically anything the doctors need to do to me. But the last couple of experiences I've had with needles have been WAY more painful than they should have been... so it's hard for me to feel fine about it when I don't know whether or not to trust the girl who's sticking me in the arm/where ever else. But it'll be fine :) It won't last forever.

***

Anyway, REALLY what I want to say is that I'm so excited to get my mission stuff going! My dream is finally coming true (well actually rather than finally, it feels like it's coming so much sooner than I imagined it would come). I know it's going to affect the rest of my life. I feel so excited to be able to dedicate myself completely to something so motivated by love! To go out and serve, to help others know who they are, to learn of and feel God's love for them, learn why they are here, know who God is and what He is like, find true healing in themselves and in their families, and know how they can be with their families and loved ones forever.

I am not going so I can preach or teach. I am going so I can serve, for I will be called to serve.

There is no greater cause.

What's new with me?

So, I met the most wonderful person in the world. We became best friends. I have never learned so much from a single person before now.

He made me more honest and less afraid to be real and to say true things instead of swallowing them. He taught me by example to be comfortable owning up to my problems and my faults--to be humble and honest and to know myself.

He taught me to embrace and expand the way I see the world, (I have always wanted to, but didn't know how) to think for myself and not be afraid of it. He gave me security in thinking differently from others, and showed me that I am beautiful and unique and it's good that I am the way that I am. Even my weaknesses are connected to strengths and are part of my beauty. That is true of others as well.

He taught me the importance and the beauty of strong families and family relationships.

He taught me to stand up for what is true and right. He taught me that truly living the Gospel will require me to do and say things that make people uncomfortable, and that I shouldn't be afraid. God is with me. It's His work.

He taught me that when hard things happen in life, that's when life is meaningful and rich. Life is hard--there is no escape--and we don't need an escape. The Lord will bring us through and we can come out better, stronger, wiser, closer to God, and more compassionate.

He taught me that serving others is the only way to live a disciple's life. And He taught me that the Gospel is about love. Real love. Love that transcends and endures forever.

That chapter in my book is over.

Now I'm struggling to figure out where to go from here.

I love BYU.

BYU is amazing. There are so many good, good people here. I sprained my ankle last week, which was really frustrating, but it's like I keep running into angels wherever I go... in Wyview, on campus, and even at work. I've been so taken care of... people who hardly know me, or who frankly don't know me, keep helping me.

My classes are amazing. The Spirit is all over campus because great things happen here, and truths are taught here. Every discipline of study is related to the gospel. The mountains are beautiful, and remind me of whose hands I'm in. It's definitely not a monocultural bubble--my mind is being opened to so many new ways of thinking. I know people from all over the world, and I even have some good, good friends from here in Utah.

It's way hard here, but I'm getting better. So many things to learn, great people to meet, things to accomplish. I'm so glad Heavenly Father didn't let me feel good about going anywhere else. My blessings outweigh all of my trials. I keep receiving little tender mercies from the Lord, like food for my soul, right when I need it--usually it's through other people. I've got to get better at rising to the challenge, and I've also got to be more prayerful even when I'm super busy. But it's going to be good; He will help me.

...And now I've got to go study for midterms. Ahhh! :)

I love my life. Honestly.

Haven't been able to say that in a while.

My life is an adventure. It's beginning to feel like a story that Jesus and I are writing together--trying to let Him contribute most of the ideas, though. He is real and He never blinks. Life is hard for me and for everyone else, but He's there waiting for me to take His hand as if to say, "Come, let's work on it together."

All of my posts mention religion, and I'm sorry if that is a problem for you, but all of my days mention Him as well.

---

"You've got to give a little more than you take; you've got to leave a little more than was here. You may be prideful of the steps that you take, but keep one thing clear: You're just a player in a much bigger plan, but still you have to give it all that you can. The very measure of your soul is at stake! You've got to give a little more than you take."

I just watched Joseph: King of Dreams on Sunday night. We bought it at Goodwill for $2. It is beautiful--almost as good as the Price of Egypt.

"You know better than I; you know the way. I've let go the need to know why; I'll take what answers you supply."

Really faith-building, and honest. I loved it.

---

I also loved my experience singing in sacrament meeting for my last Sunday here in TN before I leave for Utah. I really felt the Spirit during and after my song. Like, burning in my chest. It was not a performance--it was not about me. My goal with singing "I Will Not Be Still" was to communicate what was in my heart, to share my testimony, and to be used as an instrument in bringing the Spirit to the hearts of people who heard me. I accomplished every one of my goals. The song is about how the gospel moves me and touches me until I feel I must act on it, I must serve the Lord by sharing what I have seen and felt and experienced.

I really did sing my testimony. It came from a very honest place, and meant a lot to me. People told me that they could see that as they watched me. That is a blessing. They also said that they felt the Spirit strongly as I sang... what more can you hope for? I feel humble. It shouldn't have been an awesome day to sing a solo, because I woke up sick that morning, and even had to leave sacrament meeting before just to blow my nose. Then I came back in just in time to sing, and it actually went really well. I definitely felt like I was receiving help. I really am "just a player in a much bigger plan." But I'm so grateful I was able to help the Spirit touch people. I feel so blessed to be able to participate in music, to assist in this marvelous work. It's kind of a small thing, but it's also kind of a big deal. I was able to be a tool to help people -- people I love, too -- have an experience with the Holy Ghost. That is the coolest thing ever.

Brothers' poems.

Here are two cinquain poems Casey wrote yesterday. They are amazing. They are both true stories.

--

Lose tooth
Wiggly, silver
Eating caramel corn
Glued to my tooth, out it popped "what?!"
"Oh no!"

--

Lunch
Grilled, cheesy
Chewing, stretching, melting
That is so delicious
Sandwich

--

These are by my brother Deven. I liked them as well. Quite shocked at how deep they are; he is a 13-year-old punk!

--

Fire on your finger,

Fire in your eye,

Fire in your spirit,

Fire that won't die.

--

I fear the struggle,

I fear the strife,

A fear of death,

A fear of life.

--

War is triumph,

War is gain,

War is heartache,

War is pain.

Casey.

Today after FHE, Casey was giving the closing prayer. He said, "Please bless Emily H. that her cancer will be gone; make her healthy and normal. Please keep Manisha brave about her new school."

I included that first part to try and convey his fervent tone. He was serious about what he was asking. I didn't expect to be included in the prayer, but I then realized how much I needed it. Almost as much as Emily H. needs prayers. And of course I started to cry, in a humble and maybe grateful kind of way, not really a sad kind of way.

I love Casey's testimony of prayer. He has fought away thunderstorms, tornadoes, floods, hot weather, power-outages, and fear... all with prayer. And all before the age of 10. I'll never forget the sound of his voice and the light in his eyes as a storm passed, or as he found a DVD he had lost. "Prayer works! Manisha, can Heavenly Father hear us?!" Yes, He can, Casey.

Casey will make sure Heavenly Father keeps me brave. I love my quirky little brother.

Dreams.

I was thinking the other day, how some girls dream of their wedding day, dream of "what they want to be when they grow up" as in a career, or making it to the Broadway and becoming famous... all that stuff. Dreams. The kind of dream that you spend your life working toward. The kind of dream that pulls you toward it and occupies your thoughts and makes your heart draw out in longing. And the other day, as I was once again thinking about what I could major in, I wondered (even though my case is common) if there was something wrong with me. Why don't I have a dream? Why don't I already know what I want to be?

Then I realized: I absolutely have a dream. At least one. I want to serve a full-time mission.

Let me first explain that in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, when you become a missionary you are assigned to serve in some part of the world. It could be any state, country, city, island... virtually anywhere. Missionaries dedicate themselves 24/7 for 18-24 months, serving God primarily by teaching the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, which they know to be true, and by serving the local people in any way they can.

Phew, okay.

So for some reason, I want to be a missionary. I want some serious time to lose myself in serving Jesus Christ. I love people, and I want them to experience the joy and healing that the truths of the restored gospel have made available to me. I want them to know God as intimately as they can--I know that this true gospel is the way to get there. It is true, for the Spirit of God has whispered it to my soul. It resonates deep within my heart, speaks peace to my soul, and heals me like nothing else. It doesn't get old. It comes from God. The longer I go, the harder I think on it, the more true it feels and the more perfectly it makes sense to me. The Savior lives, his gospel has been restored as in days of old, and this is it. This is the church that He has organized with His hands.

As much as I want it for the people I'll serve, I want my mission for me. I want to learn to really LOVE. I want to love others so deeply and sincerely and completely, with all my heart, so much that I ache for them. I want to lose myself as I serve them (and in the process, find myself in the truest sense). I want to push myself way, way out of my comfort zone; I want to stretch my soul, for a grand and meaningful purpose. I want to wear the Savior's name on my black nametag, right next to my heart. I want to learn to love and know the scriptures much better and more deeply than I have ever before. I want to participate in the glorious living work that my Savior is directing here on earth. I want to witness His love for His children more deeply. I want to see miracles. Although alone I'm so flawed and have so many weaknesses, if the Lord is with me I can be a tool in His hands to show and teach people a better way to live and be completely healed. I want to give myself up to Jesus. I want to make myself available to Him so he may work through me. I want to help others to feel the Spirit of their Lord. I want to learn to keep going when there seems to be no hope; that will require a strong faith and hope in the Savior. I want to learn that physical limitations mean little--that while on the Lord's errand, I am strengthened in my weakness, no matter what kind of weakness it is. I want to experience the Spirit of God burning and testifying of truth to someone I am teaching for the first time. I want to feel the Spirit giving me the words to share. I want to see someone as they gain the courage to change their lives and come unto Christ to find a fullness of joy. I want to see that light in their eye, that change in their countenance. I want to teach people about how their families can be together forever. I want to be sent as a answer to someone's prayer for help. I want to learn to throw away every bit of my fear and just do, knowing that the Lord is with me.

I want to learn to forget myself and really live. I want to walk with angels. I want to walk with God.

All of this is possible. This is my dream.

Note: I realize that a full-time mission isn't the only way to learn these things. But it's what I want. I want that time to devote myself 110% to the work. I can't really do that in my normal daily life, unfortunately.

16 months until the dream becomes realized. I have so much preparing to do...